Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
