I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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