i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
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