Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
