No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just sucked dick on a ferry
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
