Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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