ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
