It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Are we still banned from the library?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
