My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
