When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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