I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
