Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
