I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
