Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
