He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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