yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
