Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
