from now on my penis is your penis
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
