i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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