From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
