actually, I'm a sock model
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
