Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
