Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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