apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
