i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
