wrigley field is MILF paradise
My liver just broke up with me...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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