i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
