you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
