I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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