Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
