I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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