the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
