Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
