You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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