I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
