Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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