and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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