she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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