Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
