I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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