why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
