my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
