I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
