Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
