Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
