Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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