She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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