This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
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