I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
