It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
