I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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